It's 3 days past Christmas. I feel good. I feel like it's time to start something new.

I made new resolutions, gave my room a new look and got myself a new hairdo too! Short, and happy with it. I never fail to surprise myself!

A new life. I'm really anticipating.

Christmas was great. The usual party with the girlies. This time round at Ching's new place. I met Caden for the first time. He's such a sweet little thing. Sometimes I wish I have a little someone like him to care for. He'd probably keep me happily occupied every single minute of the day. This must be one of the very rare moments I feel like I actually want my own kid. Well, as far as I can remember, the last time round I wished for a kid was for a totally crazy reason. I probably lost every single bit of my grey matter back then. After awhile, I found my brains back, perhaps through the stimulants of pain receptors???, and I instantly felt like a walking joke. Totally superfluous.

To sum it all up, this is the start of my new beginning. My spotlessly clean room left not a single trace of the unwanted past and it's now my cozy little hide-away from the rest of the world, a small little paradise I share with my beloved friends, indulging in our favorite game of mj and music.

To the One up there, thank you for bearing with me during my dark days. I know you are listening and watching over me.

Life is sweet.

Packed my room tonight.

It's something that has been at the back of my mind for the longest period of time. I need to pack and unpack... I need to throw out the unnecessaries and tidy up the rest. Been living in a superficially neat space where I see only the things I want to see while the rest are hidden deep beneath. I managed to get by, day by day, bit by bit.

Sometimes I feel I could live like I used to, hanging out with old friends, bumming ard with edd, playing netball with trini & chris, going for crazy yoga lessons, sleeping over at pang's, mj-ing all night long etc, etc... I filled my schedule to the brim so I'll be dead tired when I get home and collapse into deep slumber. Half the time, this doesn't work out well for me. I have this thing about staying awake after a late night shower... well, but at the very least I don't feel empty most part of the day.

I guess the procrastination to tidy up my room stemmed from the fear of digging up memories I've been trying to bury. I've got to get it done somehow... To my surprise, it wasn't all that tough. I packed, unpacked, packed and unpacked. I took out all the lil presents, cards and letters. Found a box to fit them all in. I felt alright, I felt like I didn't feel anymore. But as I bid wee, hot fudge and nugget one last goodbye, I sobbed out loud. There was no tears. I no longer feel the heartache... I had no idea what I was feeling. I didn't know what to feel anymore...I just sobbed and sobbed. In between my sobs, I sang along loudly to the sad love song playing on mtv...

....我需要的平静 是敢回头看曾经 那些为爱患得患失的情景 我选择忘记....

It's strange. I've always been the sentimental sort, the kind who always treasures the memories, the one who always want to stay friends... This time round, I chose to leave them all behind.

So I guess this is it. The peace I need. A brand new beginning...

I did something spectacular today... I thought it would bring me peace and tranquility but I realised I've lost the lil bit of peace that I thought I had recently. I don't understand why... and it's keeping me up.

Maybe I've never really gotten the peace I'm looking for or maybe beneath that calm sea lies a powerful surge of spiral strength. I can't tell what's really bothering me. I feel like screaming but there's no sound, feel like crying but there's no tears, feel like laughing but there's no joy...

A lot of things are running through my mind now in random order. Images of the past are flashing at turbo speed. There's a thousand questions I don't have answers for... My thoughts contradict. I don't have a way out.

I thought I'm ready, but I couldn't even speak about it... I thought I've moved on, but can't even shake off the fear in me...

I feel like running. Running against the wind, as fast as I could... I like this feeling... And I'll keep on running and running and running, faster and faster and faster. I don't know how much faster I can go... It makes me feel stronger. It makes me feel like I could get away from everything...

I need to find my inner peace... I really need it...........