Strange as it may sound, sometimes, the closer you try to stand next to a person, the more magnified you'll find the distance between you. The more you try to understand a person, the more you'll discover that certain things just run too deep for you to comprehend.

Maybe it's the way we've led our lives thus far, maybe it's the different people we've met in life, or maybe it's the different circumstances and tests we've dealt with in life. All these invariably shaped our thinking, beliefs and habits.

So what makes a person who he really is? Take away the things that we have or not have in life, the things we do or not do, the surroundings, the circumstances, the experiences we've been through. What does that make of us? Will we still be who we are, will we be different? Will we still stand by the beliefs we've been holding on so tight? Will we even have beliefs??? Will we, really, ever know????

Is it your surroundings that define you or are you the one who decides how your surroundings should interact with you?

I've always believed that deep down, there's a true self in everyone. Some people choose to be someone else, some people choose to be comfortable in their own skin. Ah Eu once said to me, '...people CHOOSE who they want to be and how they make their choices, depending on who, and what they're dealing with....blah blah blah'

I thought about it. What's Ah Eu's point when he said these? Does he mean that it is a particular situation, a person that you're dealing with, or a particular phase in your life that decides how you'd act, think, behave, response, and in turn, judge others? This seems like a daunting task to me because there are so many people and situation we deal with everyday, so if we put on a different front every time we meet a different person, wouldn't it be so tiring? I don't know how this works but for me, I choose an easier way of just being myself and have a more consistent behavior. Maybe my tone and choice of words and language may differ when I speak to different people and deal with different issues, but fundamentally, my decision making process is still the same and therefore my actions are guided by the same set of principles.

So for me, things are relatively simpler. I just like being myself. And I also believe in judging a person by taking away his surroundings and looking at his bare naked soul...I believe I know how a person is inside. Sometimes, it's the look in his eyes, the little things that he carelessly let slip, and his little gestures towards the people around him that helps me judge him. It's never about the big and obvious, really... they fade too easily.... Ultimately, its really just a feeling I can't quite explain... I don't have a list of reasons why I choose to treat a particular person in a special way, do the things that I do for him, and feel the way I feel for him... So if u really need to know a reason, I just feel wonderful when I'm with you. You make me do things that I never thought I could, u make me a better person... and I hope I can bring out the best in you and make u feel the way I feel when I'm with u... Are these reason enough???

In just a single day, I went from upset to happy and then ended off the night upset again. This rollercoaster ride seems to be never ending... I'm still trying to convince myself to enjoy the moment while it last and go with the flow........

Don't think too far, don't think too much, do what I like and makes me feel happy.
I think I sound like an irresponsible brat already.

Yes, I must admit that there're times I've acted this way.
When I was young, I'll think to myself, go to this place first then call Mummy and tell her I'm there already, so she can't say NO... I'll also make my nanny buy me new toys and keep them from Mum until a couple of months later when she spot my not so new toys and attempt to scold me abt them, I'll tell her 'Mama bought them for me loooonnnnnnnnggggggggggggg looooooooooonnnnnnnnnngggggggg time ago...'. that saved me the scoldings all the time...

But u see, I've always have a plan at the back of my mind. I know I can't be just doing what I like, I must also like what I do at the end of the day...

Now, I don't really have a plan. In fact, I think I might even do the craziest thing I can think of... I think I'm losing my religion..........

Okie, I dunno how this is going to work, but I'm gg to try to enjoy every single moment of this. Bittersweet.

I shed a tear today.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe the trigger was a playful, harmless text.

I can't believe I'm still the same old cry baby I used to be.

I thought I'm stronger. I thought I understood the nature of the circumstance. I thought I have no expectations. I thought I could still walk away cool.

I realized that I'm consciously and sub-consciously making myself available all the time, just in case...

I suddenly feel like 'normalizing' things, doing all the crazy things I used to do to numb myself again. I shld have agreed to partying the past 3 weeks, I shld have agreed to endless rounds of mj. I shld have agreed to other dates. Even though I know my mind would be somewhere else while doing these all...

I forgot abt status quo. I think I got too comfortable. I'm sorry.

My days are spent like I'm challenging Mt Everest these days...

I started off the journey, happy and excited, and then I get scared, I felt like chickening out because I've gone through many failed attempts. I remember telling myself I'll never try to climb another mountain again. Stay on flat ground, SAFETY FIRST!
And then I get hopeful as the journey gets smoother and weather got a little more bearable. So I thought to myself, maybe this time, it's different. You've learnt from your past experiences and you've a set of different expectations. Even if you tumble again, it'll be less painful. You are prepared to bear the consequences. You know what's in it for you - it could be NOTHING at all. Plus the Everest doesn't feel as daunting as what others have spoke about. So maybe, just maybe, I can still get there...

And then as I get closer and closer to the peak (or so I thought), I happily anticipate the day I could stand on top of the mountain, looking down at the rest of the world. The view would be panoramic, breath taking and splendid... That is when I'll know that the little bruises and scars I've accumulated along the way will be all worthwhile. This thought keeps me hanging there.

And then all of a sudden, I felt the earth beneath my feet shaking... The ice got too slippery and I lost my foothold. I slided down the steep slope and suffered multiple abrasions all over my body. Lucky for me, I caught hold of a huge rock that stuck out and I managed to save myself. I'm at the bottom of the mountain again.

I wanted to throw in the towel. It's too painful, it's too dangerous. Remember how miserable it was the last time round you had to pick yourself up from that terrible fall?? Why don't you just spare yourself the unnecessary pain??? What if this time round you don't survive????

But knowing me and my thick numb skull, none of these are reasons enough for me to give up. I kept reminding myself this is a choice that I've made. No one told me I'll make it there. No one promised that the weather would be kind. No one told me the view would be as wonderful as I imagined.

But this is what I want and I know I wouldn't want to live with any more regrets in my life...

So I took a deep breath from my depleting oxygen tank and got my arse moving again. Step by step, inch by inch, I start the climb again, with only one thought in my mind -- it's worth all the while.

People tell me, want a view from the Everest, take a helicopter or at least, take the cable up as far as possible. I guess everybody gets a different scenic sense of beauty from the Everest. And no one else but myself will ever understand the beauty of what I see through my own eyes as I stand on the peak of the mountain when I get there, the way I want to. If I ever do get there...

It's scary becos this entire process seems to be repeating itself over and over again... Every time I breathe from my oxygen tank I'm wondering how long more would the air last me. Every time I tell myself to be strong and to be fine even if I end up broken again, I fear I can no longer find the strength in me...

Love makes one stupid.
The anticipation for love makes one impossibly irrational.

It makes u say things that you'll kill yourself for.
It makes u totally uncool.

It makes u swallow ur pride or keep it entirely in the fridge.
It makes u act like a fool.

It keeps u sucked in and keeps u coming back for more.
It makes u selfish but yet selfless at the same time.

It makes u totally incoherent but yet u can't help but hope for more.

Totally hopeless, Wendy How.

My cheeks are bright red and my pulse rate is accelerating so quickly now, it's enough to alert my GP to call an ambulance right now...
I just did the unthinkable!......... Oh noooooo..........
What have I just done????

I hope it wasn't too abrupt, I hope the blushing on my cheeks was not noticeable.. I hope my embarrassingly loud heartbeat wasn't heard. I hope I didn't look silly...

Most of all, I hope I didn't cross the line.

I'm not sure. He left almost immediately, in a flash, like he can't wait to vanish...

I know I must have looked like a fool. I scurried my short legs to the lift and jubilantly skipped my way home. I gushed like a high school girl who's just returned home from her first date with her crush.

I've never felt like doing this before or more so I've never had to do this before. I don't know where all the courage came from. Maybe it's the urge I've been feeling all night, maybe it's the hug that I've been waiting for all these time.

Even though it wasn't quite exactly a hug, and I was really freaking out, afraid that my weighty mass would drop from his skinny arms, and perhaps to him it's probably all for laughs, I actually like it. It made me feel closer to him... made me feel like maybe he's not so distant after all...

The irony is I actually enjoyed that few seconds of fear, wishing it would last longer...

Well, at the saner back of my mind, I know all these could amount to nothing at all. I've to admit this thought sucks. Kicks my snowballing feelings all the way back down to the bottom of the valley. I guess I can understand from all the reasons that I've heard and therefore accept it. It's sad but well... I let this silly little girl in me take over willingly... I guess I just have to be prepared, come what may...

Yes, I know, I love pain. He's prob right...hai~......
But as of now, I'm still happy. Happily grinning........ heh......


F.O.W > pls don't be mad at me, i'll always always love you. nothing's gonna change! you know tt!! hehehe...

Edd > i know you're thinking 'wtf is gg on??!?!'...... you can call.... i'll tell everything... i just dunno how to start...... and yes, i promise i won't run back to u and sob when i get bruised and battered (what's new right??).. i deserved it, i know =(

I remembered the feeling of my world collapsing in front of me.
I remembered the feeling of isolation and the emotional crunch during the darkest hour.
I remembered the betrayal, the angst, the helplessness and the weakness.
I remembered I have to be strong. To be able to face these all alone.

I vowed not to be preyed upon again.
Never to be held captive in this silly game again. I just don't play games too well.
I vowed I'll love myself like I love nobody else. Never have a hope, never ever to take a chance.

I've faltered.

The lessons of the past seemed to be drifting further and further away.
Yes, sure it was painful.
I was broken.
I was jaded.
I still remember.
I thought I'd have the self-defense mechanism built in me. I just don't learn too well, I guess.

Maybe somewhere beneath the impenetrable exterior still lies a teeny weeny glimmer of hope.
A little being yearning to love, yearning for love.
The little girl all-so-vulnerable to the idea of simple happiness.
The little girl who stubbornly believes that it is still worth taking a shot, at the expense of falling into the black hole all over again.

E said I love pain.
Maybe I do. It makes me feel alive. It makes me feel that life's worth living again.

I feel weak. I hate feeling weak. The very fact that I've willingly subjected myself to pain and weakness, perhaps a gazillion times more this time round, makes me feel stupid.

I'm a fool, I know. I just can't help being happily foolish, exultantly silly.
Shamelessly satisfied, even with the 'status quo'.

I never fail to amaze myself.

*I'm strong, I'll be fine*