I remembered the feeling of my world collapsing in front of me.
I remembered the feeling of isolation and the emotional crunch during the darkest hour.
I remembered the betrayal, the angst, the helplessness and the weakness.
I remembered I have to be strong. To be able to face these all alone.

I vowed not to be preyed upon again.
Never to be held captive in this silly game again. I just don't play games too well.
I vowed I'll love myself like I love nobody else. Never have a hope, never ever to take a chance.

I've faltered.

The lessons of the past seemed to be drifting further and further away.
Yes, sure it was painful.
I was broken.
I was jaded.
I still remember.
I thought I'd have the self-defense mechanism built in me. I just don't learn too well, I guess.

Maybe somewhere beneath the impenetrable exterior still lies a teeny weeny glimmer of hope.
A little being yearning to love, yearning for love.
The little girl all-so-vulnerable to the idea of simple happiness.
The little girl who stubbornly believes that it is still worth taking a shot, at the expense of falling into the black hole all over again.

E said I love pain.
Maybe I do. It makes me feel alive. It makes me feel that life's worth living again.

I feel weak. I hate feeling weak. The very fact that I've willingly subjected myself to pain and weakness, perhaps a gazillion times more this time round, makes me feel stupid.

I'm a fool, I know. I just can't help being happily foolish, exultantly silly.
Shamelessly satisfied, even with the 'status quo'.

I never fail to amaze myself.

*I'm strong, I'll be fine*