Suddenly, I feel overwhelmed by everything tt has happened over the past few weeks. I hear voices telling me that things shouldn't be like that. I see faces looking at me shaking their heads with a sympathetic look in their eyes.

...tt's so sad, u dont even have a honeymoon phase. things are just gg to get worst u know tt right. What did he do for ur bday? Nothing??!!! What did he give u?? Nothing???!!!!... c'mon, even your friends would have planned smtg for you. This guy is really just not into you. Plan smtg, you know?? not just spent time becos he happened to be free... Buy smtg for u, not bring u to choose a present. Anyone with some cash can do tt u know.. only the person who truly cares about u wld put in an effort to surprise u, to make u happy.... and my god! u are thinking of how to celebrate his birthday... Are u sure he even want to spend it with u??...

If I truly love a person, I would defend him with all I have in me. I would rationalize the things he do or not do, say or not say. I would protect him with all my might, however lil' I've left in me. I'll make sure that things will turn out fine, he doesn't even need to know what was done for him. When the world collapses on his shoulders, I'll hold him tight and cover him so he knows there's always a place, a person who'll stand by him.

That was how I was loved and how I was taught to love. I always believe that if I love someone, I should trust him without a doubt. Believe in him and see the best in him.

A few days ago, I thought I found the person I cld do all these for again. I readily stood by him, vouching for his character and integrity in front of my most trusted friend.

But just yesterday, I felt I could be wrong. I dunno what triggered this doubt in me. Maybe it was about all the things that I've heard, maybe it was sudden flash of backlane memories vividly in front of my eyes. The thought of how I could be so wrong and so hurt in the end scares me.

What if I'm just someone there to help him heal? What if I'm just filling in the void? What if he's still thinking of someone else or looking out for someone better? What if he really said what I've heard? Why would he do tt if he's really into me? Why didn't he care to protect me?? If he truly loves me back, or even has the slightest intention to love me back, why would he make it so tough for me to co-exist with his friends?? Why would he want to make me look bad in front of his friends??? Why can't we hang out over coffee, talk about anything else in the world without him feeling awkward? Why can't we do the sweet couple things without him feeling conscious??.. Why just want to keep me at home??????

I'm not a friend, not yet a girlfriend.. then who am I to you??? I'm just an 'in-between'....

Sometimes, I feel like telling him how much I know about the girl whom he thought loves him simply for the man he is, whom he thought is such an angel of a simple girl ever so accomodating and never spiteful. But me telling him all these would just allow him to think the worst of me and what's worse, it'd just invalidate his 4 yrs worth of time and emotions invested into that 'wonderful relationship' he had. It'll hurt him so bad to know tt he never really got to know tt person he's been so close to for the past 4 yrs... At the thought of this, I just had to stop myself...

Maybe I'm wrong about him too. Maybe he's just leveraging on me to up his stakes. Maybe he's just using me to fan his ego. Maybe he's really just not worth it....

I dunno anymore... it's scary....