What else can I do? What else can I say?
Can I really deal with the worst-case scenerio?
Why do I even think so far into the future?
Why do I even fantasize about so many things?

I don't have answers to all these questions.

I'm tired. Really am. I tried. Really did. Very hard.

Manage yourself, dee...



I turn into a sappy little pussy when I'm alone watching all the TVB dramas episode after episode... this week, I must have watched at least 40 episodes of 2 of the latest serials. One a modern-day banking tycoon family drama with the typical story line around men cheating on wives and their wives struggling to keep the family together and the other revolves around concubines fighting for the Emperor's attention and the survival skills necessary as a concubine.

I wonder why do women always fight over men?? I'll never want to have to fight for someone. That's not something I believe in. I don't believe that we have to fight for love. I never did. I always choose to walk away if I have to fight for love this way. What's the point of being loved after having to fight with someone over it?? I just don't see the point. It's not love anymore. Love should happen naturally, willingly... The only person I'll fight is myself.
hmmm...do I make sense???...

Anyway, being the sappy little pussy I am right now, I'm all covered in my blankie, thinking about how my past few months were spent, trying to recollect things that he's said that left the deepest impressions. And I am really really the happiest when he said this to me.

"...it's only when I'm lying right next to you this way that I feel I don't have to think about anything at all... I'm completely relaxed and everything else doesn't matter anymore... "

=)

Oh yah and recently, while we were our usual silly bickering selves,

W> ... no lor, I'm not going to marry you cos you don't love me!!!
E> ... how do you know I don't love you??!!... I just don't say it....
W> *complete silence and let slip yet another silly grin*
E> .... eh! why so quiet huh??!! see see see....bleh!
W>... orh........... *still couldn't wipe that silly grin off*

Counting down the days... 5 days down and 9 more to go... I'm surviving really bad =(

It's amazing how powerful his words can get over me...

"....ok me will try and have an early night so tat the days will go by faster and you can be in my arms soon once again..."

I think that's the sweetest thing he has ever said to me. My tears are threatening to roll down my cheeks now. I think I miss him even more now....

Shall have an early night too... pray and hope that time can really fly by faster this way....

Goodnight, E.



Never imagine this day would come.
We live in a world full of cruel ironies.

Once upon a time, sweet memories.
Once upon a time, a beautiful dream.

Goodbye lover, hello stranger.
I admit, it hurts to feel like a stranger.
I admit, for a moment I was shaken, I was confused, I was weak.

And the very next second, I see a face, I hear a voice. I felt calm. I felt strong. I'm not afraid anymore. He said to walk away. I didn't. I didn't want to take the easy way out. I didn't want to run away anymore. The only place I want to run to is right into his arms and hear him whisper everything is fine. I couldn't think of anything else but him...

That's when I'm certain it's over. Nobody else matters anymore =)

E was sweet. He didn't question me at all... I knew he was curious but he waited till we're on our way home. Till I was feeling so much better about the encounter. That night, he held both my hands as he fall asleep. Maybe he didn't realise. Maybe it's because he's leaving the next day. For whatever reason, it was sweet, so sweet that I carelessly dropped a tear, looking at him sleep. I was missing him already.

The next morning we had macs for breakfast and then we took a walk in the park. We sat on a bench, watching people exercise, watching kids play, watching the black swans gracefully glide in the lake. We talked about everything under the sun, we laughed, we joked, we talked about his kids and mine... how I want a girl first but he wants the eldest to be a boy... how I'll put my son in a gym when he's 5 and how he violently objected cos it'll impede his growth... how our son will not be short because we're both tall and how he insisted that he's only average and I'm short... how I want my son to be a swimmer and play rugby and how he wants him to play golf...

I smiled and I watched him smile... Deep inside, I wish we would be sitting on the same bench, in the same park when we turn a head full of grey, watching our grandchildren play with the same black swans in the same lake.

I'm missing you bad, E. Come home soon...

I write a lot. I do. This is something that even my closest friends may not realize. Whenever I feel strongly for or against something, whenever I get emotional, whenever I get philosophical, whenever I'm hurt, upset, delighted, touched etc. etc., I write, Sometimes, they make it to the blog, sometimes they don't, sometimes, they're scribbled on random pieces of paper, and sometimes, I've the entire page written in my mind never make it anywhere else. It is my way of making myself remember events I guess, remember the feelings I had when I'm faced with a particular situation. It's good and bad, I guess, becos when i read and recall, I often find myself in tears of joy and fear while trying to learn from my own past.

Tonight, I had dinner and drinks with Shandip and Naveen. It felt really good catching up on the good old times we've had. I haven't seen Nav for a good 3 yrs, it's nice to know that he's still the same old half of the my favourite Indians.

Strangely, seeing them, catching up on old times somehow reminds me of L. Time seemed to tick back to 2005/2006. I remember how kenneth or edd will always be waiting for me to get off work, no matter which crazy part of Singapore I was in. And I remember how I brought L to meet joyce and kenneth on our first date and how kenneth and I ended up argueing for the first time that night. I remember how drunk I got on new year's eve 2005/06 at MOS and how edd and I argued after he found out abt L. And then before I knew it, L was the one waiting for me to get off work late everyday, at any crazy industrial building you can think of... I remember him waiting with his books in the car, making friends with the security guards, having a big grin on his face when I appear usually after an hour or two. The ocassional stalks of roses to surprise me and the late night dinners we had at suki...we'd walk ard town on late weekday nights just to spend more time together...

Of cos I also remember how badly we broke up last year. How I didnt know how to tell edd and kenneth and how edd came from jb on a late friday night when I said I wanted to see him and how kenneth told me everything will be fine and kept me company through cny, valentine's day and the little surprise he sent to ofc, just to make me smile again... I thought I've lost them when I chose to be with L... and I'm really grateful they didn't leave. I promised myself never to let them down this way again.

Now with E, I really dunno what to say to them. I could almost hear what their reply wld be. Well, at least with L, I could say that he loved me. But now, how do I justify myself???....

Dr. Tio and DW said I'm someone who thrives on love. I am happy just to have someone whom I can love. But how long can I keep loving without receiving??.. How long would it take for me to wake up from this insane state???.... I really don't know....

Tonight, just tonight, I wish I still have L by my side... reminding me how it's like to be loved.