I write a lot. I do. This is something that even my closest friends may not realize. Whenever I feel strongly for or against something, whenever I get emotional, whenever I get philosophical, whenever I'm hurt, upset, delighted, touched etc. etc., I write, Sometimes, they make it to the blog, sometimes they don't, sometimes, they're scribbled on random pieces of paper, and sometimes, I've the entire page written in my mind never make it anywhere else. It is my way of making myself remember events I guess, remember the feelings I had when I'm faced with a particular situation. It's good and bad, I guess, becos when i read and recall, I often find myself in tears of joy and fear while trying to learn from my own past.

Tonight, I had dinner and drinks with Shandip and Naveen. It felt really good catching up on the good old times we've had. I haven't seen Nav for a good 3 yrs, it's nice to know that he's still the same old half of the my favourite Indians.

Strangely, seeing them, catching up on old times somehow reminds me of L. Time seemed to tick back to 2005/2006. I remember how kenneth or edd will always be waiting for me to get off work, no matter which crazy part of Singapore I was in. And I remember how I brought L to meet joyce and kenneth on our first date and how kenneth and I ended up argueing for the first time that night. I remember how drunk I got on new year's eve 2005/06 at MOS and how edd and I argued after he found out abt L. And then before I knew it, L was the one waiting for me to get off work late everyday, at any crazy industrial building you can think of... I remember him waiting with his books in the car, making friends with the security guards, having a big grin on his face when I appear usually after an hour or two. The ocassional stalks of roses to surprise me and the late night dinners we had at suki...we'd walk ard town on late weekday nights just to spend more time together...

Of cos I also remember how badly we broke up last year. How I didnt know how to tell edd and kenneth and how edd came from jb on a late friday night when I said I wanted to see him and how kenneth told me everything will be fine and kept me company through cny, valentine's day and the little surprise he sent to ofc, just to make me smile again... I thought I've lost them when I chose to be with L... and I'm really grateful they didn't leave. I promised myself never to let them down this way again.

Now with E, I really dunno what to say to them. I could almost hear what their reply wld be. Well, at least with L, I could say that he loved me. But now, how do I justify myself???....

Dr. Tio and DW said I'm someone who thrives on love. I am happy just to have someone whom I can love. But how long can I keep loving without receiving??.. How long would it take for me to wake up from this insane state???.... I really don't know....

Tonight, just tonight, I wish I still have L by my side... reminding me how it's like to be loved.