I don't know is it okay for me to feel upset. I don't know if I over-reacted every time I shed a tear for you. Why do I even feel this way? Do I even have the right to feel this way? After all, you are not exactly family.

I see a lil reflection of myself when I look at you. When I look right into you. When I try to decipher what's really going on in that complicated lil mind of yours. I thought I saw myself, just the younger, more extreme version.

I've been there before. And I think many of you too.
Tried to take the easy way out cos the hurt was just too much to bear and the future seemed too bleak to think about.

I vividly remember I once stood at the edge, thinking to myself how much easier it would be if life just stop there and then. I'll no longer be hurt, no longer feel the pain, no longer have to face the problems I had, or maybe still have.

Easy. That's it.

And if that's the only way not to be forgotten or to be entirely forgotten by the people I love, or used to loved, then why not just take the leap.

At that point, nothing else made sense to me. I mentally ran through a list of people that I love the most and made a silent apology to all of them.
For leaving them behind, for being the selfish, disappointing and irresponsible daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, ex-girlfriend and friend I am.

And I thought I'd just lean forward and then I'd be free.
Fly away like I always wanted to.

I could look at him from way up high and still continue to live his life like I've never left.
Maybe he would be filled with remorse and regrets, maybe he would finally feel for me again. Maybe he would shrug his shoulders and say 'that's just too bad', maybe he wouldn't even care.

Whatever it is, it's not impt, becos I'd be able to live his life with him and he doesn't even need to know that.

Mel, I wonder what went through your mind at that point in time.
Did you think like me? Or was there something else on your mind? Or maybe there was just nothing on your mind...
I really wish I know what's on your mind.

The only difference between us is you are the stronger one.
You found the courage to take that tiny little huge leap, while I just couldn't gather enough of it.

Your sister said strength was your weakness. And I can't help but agree.
But if you were so strong, my dear, why take the easy way out??....

I never had a chance to thank you for your comforting words when I thought I couldn't go on anymore, when I thought there's no more hope and I just don't deserve to be loved. I thought I'll re-visit the idea of taking the leap again.

And you were the very person who pulled me back when I was so close to leaning forward.

' Wendy zehzeh, I really think you are the nicest girlfriend jz-gorgor ever had. You are jz gorgor's favourite girlfriend. I'm really glad and I think he's so lucky...'

Silly girl, I could only smile and nod my head when you said these. It was bittersweet for me becos you just don't know what was really going on between us.

But it is this very statement from you that gave me a glimmer of hope that maybe, I could really be his favourite girlfriend. You helped me find the courage to want to hang in there, to want to find out what could have been.

I've survived or rather, I'm still surviving.

I wish I could have done the same for you, my dear. I wish I've spent more time talking to you, getting to know you. I wish I had a chance to share with you whatever little I know of this world, the possibilities it presents and to let you know that you are not alone in this seemingly dark and lonely world.

You were like the little sister I never had. and never will have. You were so much like me, just stronger, more talented, and with a lot more potential.

What about all the plans we spoke of? What about all the things you wanted to do? What about our next photoshoot, and the next and the next and the next???????

You said you'll love to help us and the pink/private label... it was just days ago...What happened?? Where are you now??? Come back, would you???? Pls come back....

Give me a chance, give me more time, to know who you really are and do my teeny weeny bit for you.

It's not fair to just brush pass my life this way and leave me with endless regrets.

I can only stare at your pretty face now with tears and regrets and agonize over the millions of what it could have been, if only....

I really should have done more...

It's just not fair.
It doesn't feel real.
Pls let this be a dream....
Pls be in a better place....
It's contradicting, okie, I'm confused.





Becos he treats us so differently.
Why? Do I not deserve? I asked.
Someone said "it's not that you don't deserve, you just deserve something better..."
Another said "you've forgotten that YOU are the prize. You decide who deserves..."

It's really sweet of them. Maybe I am the prize. Just maybe.
But what if I'm just the prize that nobody really cares to own? Can I have a prize too?

Often I ask myself, have I not done enough? Is there anything else I can do?
What is it that made him love them the way he did? Why can't he do the same for me?

This time round, I concede defeat. I've done the best I cld.
It's easier to think that it's his loss, not mine. But I'm just not someone who takes the easy way out...

Love cannot be compelled. I'm truly beaten by love.
Again.

I pray to God, to void all the capacity in me to love.
Make my life easier, I begged.