I'm afraid to be alone now. Afraid of silence. Afraid to sleep.

Becos every single time I sit down alone, I think too much. And then I don't think, or rather don't know what to think. And then I stare into space, and then my eyes well up and my tears just roll down uncontrollably.

When I close my eyes, I see your face. The same pretty face I see through the viewfinder, smiling sweetly back at me.

When I tried to sleep, the silence made me recall the words you spoke, and then I realized I almost can't hear your voice anymore.. it's fading more and more each day... So I try harder and harder to remember how you sounded like.

Every single time it just gets tougher.

And then I can't sleep. I'm afraid I'll lose that part of my memory completely.

I'm afraid I'll forget you, my dear. I don't want to...

I barely knew you, but yet I feel like I've known you forever.

To me, you are family.

They said no one would have known, they said there was no tell tale signs.

But the first time I read about your deepest thoughts, I could tell... I could relate... I could understand exactly what you are going though.

They kept saying 'No one could tell, no one could tell...' but I said something, didn't I?!

So what if I mentioned it?

Why didn't I do something about it?... Why didn't I go straight to the point?

Why did I have to beat around the bush asking about things that I wasn't exactly concern about?Why was I afraid to ask??

Maybe becos I thought I'll always have a second chance. Maybe becos I thought we'll always have the next time.

And now it hit me hard, tomorrow doesn't always come so naturally.

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I saw you last night.

You were at peace with everything finally.

I don't know the peaceful looking girl I saw, honestly.

I was scared initially, I have to admit.

Scared that when I see you, it is finally going to be real.

It will become true.

But when I saw you, I don't even think she is really you.

I can't describe the feelings I've had. I'm not good with words.

You are not talking to me anymore.

I want to call out your name, I want to wake you up.

I want to give you the warmest hug I could ever give.

I want to hold your hands and tell you everything will be alright.

But I can't. I can't anymore...

As I listen to what they said were your reasons, and as they tried to rationalize, I can't help but think that you were right. Maybe nobody really knew you at all. Nobody could understand how you felt at all.

They said you were too proud to lose, but deep in my heart, I know it's not true.

You said you don't love anymore, not becos you were afraid to lose.

It's becos you knew you've already lost.

You understand that love cannot be compelled.

And becos you loved so much, you tried to make things easier by pretending that you are cool with or without, you pretended that you could understand and that you will be fine.

You rather be in pain than to cause pain.

Truth is, you don't understand why were you judged and assumed before you even show the real you. Do you not deserve a chance to do that?

You don't know what else you can do to make them feel that maybe, just maybe, you could be the one.

You don't understand why you can be happily immersed in each other's company but yet deemed as just a passerby. Why are they always waiting for someone better to arrive while they are enjoying every single moment spent with you...

You are consumed by guilt and beaten by rejection. You selflessly opt out and took away all the pain with you. You know there's no other way to win this battle.

And when the pain you hide behind your strong front proved too much to bear inside, you needed to distract yourself with a different kind of pain. Perhaps physical. Perhaps only for awhile. Perhaps you won't feel pain anymore. And then all these make sense.

So tell me, am I right about all these? Becos I see myself in you. Becos we've known each other since forever. Becos I saw these in your eyes.

I hate to lose you but at the back of my mind, I know this will be my choice as well.

And I know nobody else would have understood the real reason as well.

That's why I weep quietly for you, my dear.

That's why I can't take you off my mind.

Your pretty face, your sweet smile, your questions about growing up, your little comments about life, your beautiful soul...

I just can't take you off my mind.

****************************************************************

I hope I'll have a chance to walk your last journey with you tomorrow.

I want to put one last flower in your hand.

Becos I know how it used to make a bad day right for you.

I'll draw a flower for you everyday.... in my heart...